Life Update.

I am simultaneously having my idealized notion of what marriage is going to be like shattered, and yet still becoming more excited to marry my best friend one day. While the timing of this might be pushed further into the future because of this process and period of difficulty, I do not fret. I am thankful that I am falling more in love with the man God has given me.  While he is strong, loving, handsome, sweet, and brings me such joy, recently I’ve been overwhelmed by the fact that he frustrates me, confuses me, angers me, and bugs me. But then I read in a book that people in your life like that actually are teaching you more about yourself than about them. While I disagree with some aspect of that (i.e. some people have a character that stinks!) I have been meditating on the fact that this experience has literally taught me that I am selfish, prideful, impatient, weak, and broken. Many people would look at my position and wonder why I keep myself here - they’d tell me it was time to get out, get away while I still can. ‘You don’t deserve this’ they’d say. But I am blessed. Blessed beyond belief. I see how Christ is moulding me, growing me, maturing me, and pushing me back into His arms. He’s reminding me of how much His sacrifice was for my sinful self, and that He wants to change me more into His image daily. I am thankful for my disillusionment from my worldly understanding of love, my rights, and relationships and marriage even more. And it doesn’t scare me, because I rejoice in the beauty that is the messiness of learning agape love.. and knowing that nothing will separate me from my place in my Father’s eyes.

Time.

Why is time moving so fast? I remember when the days would creep by ever so slowly, and now it seems like I blink and another month has gone by. 

I always thought I’d look forward to the time when the days passed quickly… but then i realized - what am I wanting them to pass quickly for? There is nothing waiting in anticipation at a coming age, and there isn’t a golden time in my life when everything is going to be perfect… so what am I waiting for? I live too future focused, and now I just realized that I don’t even know what that means. Future what? 

The problems of today are bringing such confusion, heartache, and difficulty… but the futures problems might bring even more. I hate being melancholic every day, but my mind keeps being flooded with doubts. I just want to run… 

I guess I’m just tired of getting dressed up for no one.. 

oh my love [part 4]

The day of the wedding had arrived - and unbeknownst to me, the day I would fall in love with the most amazing man in the world. I was absolutely terrified. And excited. All I could think about was how much I wanted to see Sarah. Carly and I woke up early, grabbed a quick breakfast, and headed out the door at 7am to make the drive over to Langley. I had extreme butterflies the entire way over. We picked up Tessa and then headed over to the florist to retrieve all the gorgeous flowers. The moment the flowers were put into my hands, everything became real. I can’t even describe the emotions I felt, but it was such a mixture of terror, overwhelming joy, nervousness, and surreal peace. (How can those exist in one moment you ask? Who knows. But it did!). We laughed and joked in our nervous excitement all the way to Sarah’s house… and the day was started. 

That morning was something I will never forget. Being a part of that initial excitement and emotion before the ceremony, and watching the transformation of woman to bride, was almost divine. There was so much joy and laughter, and I remember never wanting that moment to end. It was SUCH an honor. 

The most significant point of my journey through my struggle with marriage and earthly love was the moment that Sarah pulled me aside to read me the letter Chad had written to her on their wedding day. It was the first time I had really cried tears of joy. 

In my own mind I had struggled with the idea of being bound to someone forever. The people I had seen in my own life had marriages that either were struggling, utterly failing, or completely failed. There were no joyful moments anymore, and the pain I consistently saw only terrified me more and more. My parents were one of the most obvious examples, and as I watched my mom struggle through life every single day, my heart became hard. I resented marriage. I honestly did. All I wanted to do was run into the arms of God - the only one who would never leave me or forsake me, and the one whose love would never change. I never wanted to give anyone the chance to hold my heart, because it becoming broken would be inevitable. But hearing those words that Chad had written forcibly broke those walls, and those tears and frustrations I had held in for so long, finally flowed. It was such a relief… because finally these two wonderful people had shown me that there could be freedom, love, and peace in an earthly relationship. It isn’t even profound, but for me, it was overwhelming. And I thought: deep down I do want someone who will love me like that. Maybe I could see myself getting married after all….

As we bustled through the morning, I also became more and more excited - and it wouldn’t be me with the nervousness - about seeing Josh that day. As we were laughing and talking at Sarah’s house while she was getting her hair done, Mary Fairley was actively chatting about who she thought each of us should be set up with at the wedding. At first, she thought Tessa and Josh would be a good idea, but quickly changed her mind and decided that Josh and I were meant for each other. Sarah agreed. Everyone agreed. I remember telling them all that I was not getting married, but thanks for their concern - and I was trying to shrug off her insistence… but I couldn’t ignore that my heart was fluttering the whole time. 

Tessa and I arrived at the church to make sure everything was in order, and welcome guests as they started to arrive. We walked in, set up programs and the guestbook, and I peeked into the sanctuary and saw Josh and Sam. “Oh boy he looks handsome in a suit.” I turned and promptly walked out onto the verandah to ‘hide’ from him, but it wasn’t more than one minute later then I found him standing outside beside me. Gosh darn those butterflies.
We exchanged a few words of which I barely remember, and then were whisked away into our duties for the day. I desperately wanted to be focused on Sarah, but Josh was always forefront on my mind. During the ceremony, I was constantly aware and so impressed with how much he actually cared. And those little snapshots I got of his personality that didn’t carry any words, was the strongest evidence of his strong character. He cares. He has a sensitive heart. He loves. Basically, he just kept climbing further and further away from my idea of “attainable.” 
I was so intimidated and so extremely shy, but he was so handsome. It was a dream. I was constantly aware of how close he stood to me, and his proximity to me at all times. I also constantly analyzed this fact.

He totally likes me.
Uhm, Mikaela, he doesn’t know you, he doesn’t ‘like’ you. It’s never going to happen, let it go.
But he’s RIGHT there! No one stands that close to someone unless they’re interested! 
Ugh, just stop. 

I stole so many glances when I thought he wasn’t looking - cause I had literally never seen anyone so handsome in my entire life - and every time, I could not have been ready for what my heart would do. All throughout the day, I was so happy. Just carefree and happy. Summer day, wedding bliss, the-most-attractive-man-in-the-world in my sights, and lots of laughs. I could totally do this. I could totally get married… I could totally see myself with him.


The reception was when I really got to spend some quality time with Josh. (Now, I’m laughing as I write this because we were both so incredibly shy that our “quality time” amounted to a few conversations getting to know each other better, and sitting beside each other at dinner). However, through sharing the parts of our lives we were passionate about, I realized how similar we were. He actually loved and cared about all the same things I did! 
I always told God that I’d know who I was supposed to be with because they would be passionate about ‘a whole list of things plus overseas missions’, and time after time, the words he would say and information he would give, met everything I had told God was impossible to find in a man. 

Aside from his words, his actions spoke that much louder. He was the most respectful man I had ever met. He was chivalrous - always making sure I had enough juice, water, or coffee - and always serving me first. And he was genuine. (I have spent enough time with guys to know if they’re being genuine or just trying to ‘pick me up’). I honestly couldn’t believe it. I had never been treated like this before by anyone. I remember sitting beside him - inching as close as I dared without touching him - watching the wedding slideshow and thinking in my mind “I know I’m going to marry this man one day.” I know that sounds crazy, but even at the time, it didn’t seem strange. There was something about him, about us, that was right, and it was obvious. One day we’re going to be sitting here watching slides of us. I almost reached out and put my hand on his. I almost wrapped my arm through his. But instead I just sat there smiling. Just with a big, stupid grin on my face, and soaked in as much of that feeling as I could.

Sometimes the truth and a lie are indistinguishable. I’m still understanding the damage, and it’s taking painful step, by painful step, to try to force the two to be distinguishable. I covered it, ran from it, denied it, accepted it, buried it. But what I really lost was my ability to distinguish between the truth and a lie. How could love and rape possibly exist in the same minute? Because to me it did. How could abuse and love exist in the same moment? It somehow did for me. Because there is no way I would’ve believe that blatant of a lie…… right?

oh my love [part 3]

I finished my second year of post-secondary education with a full summer ahead of me. I had decided to add a minor to my degree after I felt a strong pull towards missions work in the future… and decided that I’d finish that extra year within my 4 years so I wouldn’t have to stay and extra year and not graduate. Thus, my summer awaited me - 4 more courses to delve into. However, one of the only exciting things I had to look forward to that summer was Sarah’s wedding (!!). I helped her with the planning, the DIY touches… went to her bachelorette party, and as time flew by, it was no time before the day before the wedding arrived. 

I woke up the morning of July 13th with nervous butterflies, excitement, and of course, anxiousness. I put aside those feelings in order to quickly get ready, grab the shoes and dress to get the last minute approval of what I was going to wear, and hopped in the car. I secretly wished that Tessa would arrive at the exact same time I did so I wouldn’t have to walk into the church myself, but of course, it didn’t happen. I pulled into the parking lot and breathed deeply. I don’t know why I’m so incredibly nervous about stupid things, but as I gained the amount of courage needed to simply walk into the reception hall, I simply shoved those nervous feelings down and walked inside. I didn’t recognize anyone as I walked up to the doors, but as soon as I got into the gym and saw the chaos and bustle, I saw Sarah standing there trying to help control the madness. 


My first interaction with Sarah is one that will forever be etched into my mind. She came up to me gave me a hug and then whispered in my ear “He’s for you!” as she pointed to the most attractive guy I had ever seen in my entire life. Now, he laughs and tells me I’m lying whenever I tell him this, but I seriously had never seen anyone as attractive as him in my life. Like, actually. The first thing I noticed was his blond curly hair and gorgeous smile. I melted. (It also didn’t help that he had gorgeous muscles and was extremely tanned…). I almost keeled over and died just taking that in. It was a surreal moment, but I swallowed the lump in my throat, rolled my eyes at her, and made my body language show complete disinterest and dismissal of her comment by asking her what I could do to help set-up. It wasn’t hard to distract her with an offer to help as millions of other questions then poured into the conversation as other willing people wanted her direction or opinion.

As my job was assigned, I remember making every effort to avoid eye contact with this ‘hotguy’ - as he was affectionately named in my head - that she had set me up with, and I busied myself setting up the many tables. I prolonged meeting him for as long as I could until the set-up was complete and everyone was congregating to chat and be reminded of when and where they were supposed to be next before heading out. It was then that Sarah came over and officially introduced us… “Josh, this is Mikaela.” They way that sentence came out of her mouth said all I needed to know - that she had told him the same thing she’d told me. Awkward. Now I was entered into this situation that I had no desire to be in, and would be forced to feel extremely awkward in my interactions with him for the next 48 hours. I don’t think I even shook his hand because he was on the other side of the table, and Tessa and I left shortly after. Tessa and I had a short conversation about who Sarah had set us up with which her answer went something like “yeah, I don’t know what I think, but it could be fun!” to which my response to that question was “no… she knows i’m not getting married, this is going to be awkward.” Still, despite my constant denial the majority of the thoughts going through my head for the rest of the day were “omg why is he so attractive and why did she have to go and do this when he’s way out of my league and now it’ll be awkward and now I have to avoid him but I can’t avoid him because we’re with them all the time omg I’m terrible in awkward situations what am I going to do, ugh…”.

At the rehearsal Tessa and I walked down the aisle first, and went to our assigned seats off to the side. All the guys - my sights 100% on ‘hotguy’ - were sitting in the spots where the parents were supposed to sit, so as the realization that they needed to move came upon them they all scattered. However, all of them went to the opposite side of the church where Tessa and I sat except for Josh. He came and sat RIGHT behind me. There was the hottest guy in the universe sitting RIGHT behind me. Pass. Out. My heart quickened and I became stiff. Not knowing what to do, I was relieved as the program continued. When it was time for Sarah to come through the doors for that first time with the music and her dad, tears entered my eyes I turned my head back to watch her enter and sneak a look and Josh too. I saw tears in his eyes too. “Wow, he cares so much for her and what’s happening… that is so amazing.” I always thought hot guys didn’t care about things like that, and were all jerks somehow. But I laughed and smiled and wiped the tears away… somehow falling for this guy I didn’t even know, and was stubbornly refusing to try to. But all of those seemingly small moments started to wear against my heart and open it up just a little. The day continued with little communication. He was shy, I was shy. I tried to brush him out of my mind and just concentrate on interacting with my friends… but it was hard. At the rehearsal dinner later that night I was secretly discouraged that he wasn’t sitting anywhere near a place I could enter the circle, but as soon as a seat opened up beside me, he came and sat beside me. Beside me. There. In the chair. Me. Beside me. (Stupid girls and overanalyzing things, amiright?) As soon as he sat down someone came over and started chatting to him, so I continued my conversation with my friends. But as I was laughing and joking with my friends, I heard him laugh. He was listening to me be ridiculous! He laughed at me! We exchanged a few words and smiles as I embarrassingly told him I was just kidding about what I had been making fun of, but I was way to shy to do anything more or invite him into the conversation, but regardless, he still sat there. Darn Sarah had to go and set us up and make it awkward and hard for me. Oh I wished I could just stop feeling awkward and avoiding him and get to know him…

oh my love [part 2]

The end of that first year brought about so many new and exciting things - and little did I know that my life was about to change forever - in a good way. On April 21, 2011, sitting alone in my dorm room with my computer open to a Francis Chan sermon, my bible lying across my lap, and the sun shining in the window… my blinded eyes were finally opened. After months of seeking, doubting, challenging, and hurting, my heavenly Father showed my hardened heart the truth. I can’t even describe how that moment felt other than ice melting, a rosebud opening - an enlightenment of the heart - a indescribable peace, joy, and understanding. All in a overwhelming moment. I remember throwing back my head and laughing. At how stupid I had been, at how wonderful completeness felt like, at how full my heart was… and how unlikely a time and place it had all occurred. I am so thankful for that moment… it was the best moment in my entire life, and will always continue to be so. 

My life did a complete 180 in a matter of 5 minutes. I knew the depths of God’s grace, and it seeped into every aspect of my life. Every single one. All at once. Sometimes I look into other peoples lives and ask God why He changed everything so completely for me? Others wait their entire lives to have God open their eyes to certain things and grant them healing from certain hurts - but I had them all done at once. OVERWHELMINGLY all at once. I wish I could’ve taken a snapshot of that feeling, and in moments of weakness to be able to fully remember how precious the person of Christ was to me in that moment. Well, all I can say is that life was never dull after that. I had love, passion, direction, focus, love, joy, and inexplicable peace. And I dove headfirst.

The next year was the best year of my life… my second year of studying Nursing at TWU that brought about hardships, stressors, and immense difficulties, but one that brought the most immense personal growth, determination and following Christ’s will, and even more healing. I literally poured myself into Christ, as He poured right back into me. I would spend four hours a day on my knees in the Prayer Room, countless hours drinking in the words of the Bible and having my heart transformed, fellowshipping with close friends, and talking about Jesus as much as I possibly could. I learned, and grew, and changed, and matured. My treasure was Jesus, and the more I came to know what He was like and how much He loved me, the more the things of this world melted away.

One of things of this world that began to appeal to me less and less was relationships and guys. This was a huge step for me as I never thought I would ever desire singleness ever. I had dated many guys before, found my identity in my relationships with men, and secretly prided myself on my seeming ability to get any guy I wanted. I had never once stopped seeking until that year. At first it was due to my determination to dedicate a year of my life solely to Christ, and soon became a loss of interest and desire for marriage in the future. God was calling me to a life of ministry overseas, and I honestly desired to stay 100% focused on Him. (My favorite passage was 1 Timothy 7! Haha) I pursued Christ as my all and He was just that. I had no need for someone else. I was frustrated when people told me I was lying, or just wanted attention… or that I’d change my mind. I couldn’t get very many people to believe that Christ could be so dear to me that He was all I desired. That made me frustrated.

One night I sat with a friend who I always shared my heart with, and told him my thoughts of Christ wanting me to potentially never marry. He told me I was scared… and that I was running from things I was simply afraid of. He didn’t disagree that God may have been calling me towards it, but he encouraged me to soften my heart and allow myself to check my motives and strive to hear God’s true voice. I remember leaving that conversation SO angry. “Who is he to tell me I’m just afraid?” “Doesn’t he understand my reasoning?!” “My reasoning isn’t as selfish as fear.” 
I walked away from the conversation in tears… frustrated… angry. I went to my Bible and started reading in 1 Peter 3: 
“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to adorn themselves. They submitted themselves to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her lord. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.” 

I had read that passage a hundred times, but for some reason that last verse absolutely HIT me. “Do not give way to fear.” I checked the study notes associated with that verse because I was compelled to do so… and it directed me to a place in Proverbs 3:
“Have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the Lord will be at your side and will keep your foot from being snared. Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to act.” 

God spoke to me clearly that day… that if my connection with a man in the future is “good”, I cannot withhold that good when it is my power to glorify God through my relationship. It wasn’t a profound understanding, and it didn’t completely changed my heart to the idea of marriage, but it opened up my underlying feelings of fear I had excused away and the fact that I had hardened my heart against something God never intended me to. For the rest of that school year my main focus remained Christ, and I continued my love and relationships with Him alone… but my heart started to soften to the idea of marriage just a little bit. I poured into service and fellowship, and still turned down the offers of relationships that came my way. And slowly I came to the place where if God called me to be single I would be overjoyed, and if He called me to get married I would glorify Him in that time too… and in that moment I felt completely free. God had my heart and I could trust Him with that. I knew that if He was to bring someone into my life in the future it would “good.” And so there in His arms, I rested. Not sure of what the future was to hold, but keeping my eyes on Christ.

oh my love. [part 1]

I have been following a Wedding Photographer’s blog for almost 5 months now, reading the segments of her beautiful written love story have been prodding me to write my own. I don’t have the eloquence that she does, the timeline, or the pictures to accompany it, but I wanted to start writing it in as much detail as I can remember so that those memories and details never fade.

This story begins two and half years ago when I started my degree at TWU. The very first day, I met a woman that I immediately fell in love with… and we quickly became best friends. Sarah was an absolute delight - and for the first year of our post-secondary education we were inseparable. We had a lot in common - we were both the same age, had both taken a year off before going to back to school, and both had never wanted to be at Trinity but eventually found ourselves there. Our lives immediately intertwined as we had another important quality similarity -  we were both very ridiculous. That year we grew very close, sharing every aspect of our lives together - crying, laughing, and loving the journey as God has put our lives together for it. She put on a surprise birthday party for me, took a trip to Seattle with Tessa, Emily, and Jaim, and I, and stood by my side through the difficult nursing classes and labs that was our first year of university.

While that year was full of fun adventures, new friendships, and many laughs, it was also one of the hardest years of my life. It was one that started me on my path to knowing Christ, and one that took a great deal of pain, healing, growing, learning, and support to get through. As I worked through the difficulties that I’d experienced through my previous 19 years, my emotions were sporadic, and life was constantly rough. I ended a relationship, searched for another, broke hearts, cried long nights, asked hard questions, and became vulnerable. I was scared, hurt, defensive, stubborn, and in control. At least I thought. I had so many wonderful people that stood by me at my weakest, and encouraged me to open those hurts and ask the hardest of questions. They never ran away or were afraid of me, but taught me what it meant to be loved. Purely. Innocently. Totally. But that was me - I was a mess. My life was a mess. My heart was a mess. And in amongst that mess is the first time I met him. 

I could tell it was more of a joke than anything, but Sarah texted me to tell me that she was picking up a friend from the ferry - a friend she was sure I would love. I remember telling her she was ridiculous, but she insisted that we’d be perfect and I had to meet him when they stopped by at TWU. I told her she was insane, and didn’t think about it again. That was, until he walked into the cafeteria with her. She had texted me to ask where I was, and that she wanted to introduce me to her friend, and unknowingly I texted her my location. However, when I saw him, I knew I didn’t want to meet him at all. You see, attractive guys are intimidating. I have absolutely no problem talking to guys that I don’t think are out of my league, but I will either completely freeze up and not say anything at all, or I’ll stumble and mumble over my words like an idiot if I’m absolutely taken with them. And I still remember my first reaction: “oohkay he is WAY out of my league”, ”oh my goodness, he is SO HOT”, “why did he Sarah have to set me up with him!?”, “i don’t even want to talk to him, I’ll just sound stupid!”,  While those reactions are forever etched in my mind, the rest is a blur. I can’t remember how the rest of the interaction went other than a quick “hello, nice to meet you” and the moment was gone. As much as this moment stands out to me now, it was apparently a trivial one as he doesn’t even remember meeting me that day. (he continually apologizes, feels bad, and tries so hard to recall it… but I’m glad he didn’t remember me that day. It wouldn’t have been the right time.) And so he came and went from my life in a fleeting moment. Just as he’d left as quickly as he’d come, he left my mind as quickly as he’d come. And that was that - I wouldn’t think about that man until two years later.